Grave Humor Read online

  Great. The CDC would cater to their every wish to get as much information out of them as possible. No matter what I did, I was screwed. As long as Eoghan wanted my company, the CDC would cooperate with him. Worse, I couldn’t just kick them out. They’d been displaced enough.

  We lived in a much different world than when even Gordon had been put on ice.

  Eoghan watched me and waited.

  “I’ve won staring contests against corpses, so don’t you think that’s going to work on me.” Granted, the corpses I’d won staring contests against had gotten up out of their caskets, which made it easier to win compared against the regular bodies in residence at the morgue.

  “Why would you do such a thing?”

  “They didn’t want to get back into their caskets where they belonged. Every few weeks, one of the stiffs would decide to get up and take a walk. For a funeral home, it was a pretty lively place. Damn it all, I really needed that damned job.”

  “You have a better job now.”

  I rolled my eyes at that. “Until I get my first pay and check out my benefits, I’m sticking to my story about needing that damned job. I just can’t get rid of the dead guys though, can I? Why can’t a live guy be interested in me for a change?”

  “I’m quite alive, I assure you.”

  “You’ve been on ice for probably a thousand years. I don’t think you count as a live guy.”

  “Immortality has its perks. However, I am definitely alive.”

  “Mortality has its perks, too. Escaping through death is one of them.”

  “No, it’s not. Frankly spoken, I forbid it.”

  I laughed at Eoghan and his ego. “You’re something else. You can’t stop death. There are limited immortals who can avoid it. Hey, Gordon? How are you holding up in there?”

  “I’m quite fine, thank you. This is a pleasant home, although the unpleasant company at your door is tempting. I could have a morning snack and stop them from bothering your neighbors.”

  I bet my parents did tempt the vampire. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

  “They’d taste terrible, and I don’t know if I’d be able to purify myself of their taint afterwards.”

  Wow. I didn’t like my parents, but the viciousness of Gordon’s rejection startled me.

  Eoghan chuckled. “We’ll try not to offend your sense of taste too much. However much they deserve it, we should be courteous guests, which means we can’t rid the world of Anwen’s parents. Now, should they bring harm to her, you should consider putting their blood to better use before I deal with their bodies.”

  Men. Then again, as far as most men in my life went, Eoghan and Gordon were somewhat tolerable. I gave it a few days before the town’s single women sniffed out potential marriage material and wealth. Every time a new man came around, the story stayed the same.

  She with the best looks and manners won herself a husband and a ticket out of town, leaving everyone else to gossip about her once she was gone. I avoided the men and the gossips, which gave me an even worse reputation.

  I finished off my pudding, sighed, and dumped the mixing bowl into the sink. “Unfortunately, killing them is illegal.”

  “Only if we do not adhere to specific guidelines,” Eoghan replied with a smug smile. “The CDC courteously explained the rules of legalized murder, the allowed methods, and how a vampire might hunt the night for guilty souls who need to be killed for the safety of others. This era has many guilty souls ripe for the plundering. I must admit I do like how death is typically a private matter now. I do not enjoy public spectacles and drawn-out executions. I’ve witnessed many torturous deaths in my life. Humans can be the cruelest of creatures.”

  That I could readily believe. “We’re still cruel. We’re just cruel in different ways now. That said, I think I can live without witnessing a crucifixion. Half a year ago, we had a car accident victim in. We had to stitch him back together because of his family’s religious beliefs. We tried to warn them against an open-casket viewing, but they demanded proof. That was not a good day. There was screaming.”

  “The screaming is so annoying. Most scream when they die young. The old understand the rules of life and time, although the ones who go out in great pain will scream. That’s fair enough.” Eoghan wrinkled his nose, and he scowled. “I would not mind the screams of the ones haunting your doorstep.”

  I listened. Sure enough, my parents yelled at my door, and their various vices added a hoarse edge to their cursing. “If we ignore them long enough, they’ll go away. They’re not stupid enough to break my door or windows. I’ll call the cops on them, and they hate spending their hooker or drug money on repairs. They probably have some money but want to spend mine first.”

  Shrugging, I cleaned the bowl and spoon before putting them away. “It is what it is. You seem to have a decent grasp of modern times so far. What do you need me for? It looks like I’m out of a job, and I like eating.”

  “As I said, you’ll assist me with whatever I need to adapt to this era. The CDC is dealing with the matter of my murdered caretaker, who was the last of a long, proud lineage. Vengeance will be acquired, and that director will find justice to be painful at best.”

  “He’ll probably scream,” I warned the scream-disliking annoyance.

  “I can accept his screams. I might even enjoy them.”

  I gave it a week before Eoghan changed his mind about brutal public executions. “Should I be concerned?”

  “Only if you care about his long-term survival. He won’t last for more than a few minutes in my hands, despite my inclination to crucify him in a rather gruesome manner.”

  “Please don’t crucify Director Hammel.”

  “He deserves such a fate.” Eoghan sighed. “How else should he die?”

  “Don’t kill him. Force him into life-long community service instead. He’d hate having to work for the sake of others without being able to charge them an arm and a leg for it. He price-gouged the families of the dead because he could.”

  “How despicable of him. He would have been compensated well for the storage of my body. I become quite cranky when I have to rebuild my mortal form. It takes months, sometimes years. The dead do not appreciate when I’m grouchy.”

  “You might say he has a rather grave sense of humor fresh from his dirt nap,” Gordon contributed from the other room.

  “I do not know why I like you, vampire.”

  “You like me because I make an excellent guardian of your lady, and I proved her worth.”

  Eoghan grunted.

  “Sorry to interrupt your posturing, but I’m no lady. I attend to corpses for a living, and I keep records when I’m not making sure the bodies are in their caskets where they belong. For all I know, Old Man McGregor’s out and about causing someone problems.”

  “Ah. The restless dead that was in the upstairs parlor?” Relaxing, Eoghan smiled and leaned back in his seat. “He’s quite an interesting gentleman. He didn’t scream despite being helped to his grave.”

  My eyes widened. “Are you saying someone killed that old man?”

  “That is precisely what I’m saying.”

  Well, shit. Murders were few and far between in Sunset, but they did happen—but I couldn’t see anyone having a real reason to kill Old Man McGregor despite some of his more annoying tendencies. “Is that why he was restless?”

  “Oh, no. He’s restless because there’s a node here, and it awakens all manner of things, myself included. I can’t tell you where it is precisely, but I can sense its power. It’s a strong one, too—and as neutral as death itself.”

  “Death is neutral?”

  “Of course. Death welcomes all into its embrace. All are the same when life leaves the body, and all face death one day. Well, mostly.”

  “Mostly?” Well, mostly made sense considering there were a few immortals who stuck around, including the devil.

  “Mostly. There are a few souls who never truly die.”

  “Do I want to know?”
On second thought, I didn’t want to know, but it was too late to take back my foolish question.

  “Probably not yet.”

  “Yet? I mean, the devil is supposedly one of the immortals that can’t be killed, but I don’t know if I want to know about his problems.” I recognized a bad omen when I heard one, and yet it implied Eoghan meant to tell me in detail at some point in the future.

  “Yet. I’d rather not overwhelm you with old magic right now. The world was a much different place the last time I fully awakened.”

  “You thrive on being secretive, don’t you?”

  “It is a joy in life. Human curiosity is so entertaining.”

  Ah-ha! “Does that mean you’re not human?”

  “I started life as a human, but magic changed me long ago.”

  “Bummer. Now you’re a freak.”

  My unwanted albeit sexy houseguest scowled. “Hardly.”

  “What are you then, if you’re not a human or a freak?”

  “If you want to know, you’ll need to investigate me yourself.”

  Hmm. Hello, temptation. I could do a lot of personal investigation in my bed. I had no experience, but I wouldn’t mind learning how to seduce answers out of him.

  Damn it. I couldn’t afford to indulge in lustful thoughts involving him. I’d go crazy that way. Crazier, even. Maybe I could send him over to the pervy ghost granny at the hospital.

  Oh, right. The pervy ghost granny. “This is going to sound a little weird, but there was a dead granny at the hospital, and she really did try to keep me there, but after hearing about how she’d tire you out in bed, I needed to go home before I got checked into the psych ward.”

  Eoghan stared at me as though I’d lost my mind. “You saw her? Yes, I did ask her to watch over you.”

  “She was doing that. I’m just not the best at doing what I’m told. And, also, you couldn’t have been serious about me investigating you.”

  He snickered, and I wasn’t sure which part of my statement he found amusing. “I want you to investigate me and learn my secrets.”

  Why did I always have to deal with the crazy ones? If I played his game, I’d lose, but I’d lose happy and hopefully in my bed since he didn’t have one of his own yet. If I pretended to play his game, he might leave me alone. Then again, even if I pretended to play his game, I’d play it anyway, as curiosity would inevitably take hold. Why wasn’t he human? If he wasn’t a freak, how could he be human but not human? How could he be not quite human yet not a freak?

  The world had a lot of freaks, and I liked most of them.

  “All right, Eoghan. What do I get should I discover your secret?”

  The arrogant asshole smirked at me. “Good behavior is always rewarded.”

  Given a week, he would drive me completely insane. Worse, I might like the ride. “Are you going to be terribly upset if I go back to bed? I think I’ve reached my capacity for insanity for one day.”

  “Absolutely not. You need to rest. Will you be able to sleep with those annoying people grousing at your door?”

  “I’m certainly going to try.”

  “Well, if they disturb you, I’ll make them regret their choice to haunt your door.”

  As I couldn’t judge how serious he was, I did my asshole parents a favor and didn’t tell Eoghan they already disturbed me. I sought the sanctuary of my bedroom, leaving my house guests to fend for themselves.

  Tomorrow, I’d try to play a proper hostess.

  Five

  Satan would offer his residents air conditioning first.

  My bedroom, one of two located on the small second floor of my house, offered little protection from my asshole parents. Their bitching and moaning annoyed my neighbors, who called the cops. Leaving Eoghan and Gordon to fend for themselves and deal with the police counted as rude, but I passed out the instant my parents shut up.

  I woke to a gentle touch on my shoulder, and I burrowed beneath my blanket. “I don’t want to get up.”

  My arm hurt, and getting up meant I’d have to deal with my dismal lack of painkillers in the house, yet another luxury I couldn’t afford. Eoghan could afford it, if I got over my pride and asked him to get some for me.

  Satan would offer his residents air conditioning first.

  “You need dinner. It is ready,” Eoghan announced.

  Wait. Dinner? Where had dinner come from? What was dinner? How had it arrived? Who had made it? Had Eoghan discovered the wonders of delivery? Had delivery existed in his era? I’d cleaned out my pantry during my pudding bender. Then, as I doubted the antique had seen a stove in his life, I blurted, “You can cook?”

  “I required some base education regarding your oven, but it proved to be an adequate replacement for what I am accustomed to. It is a very convenient tool, and I think I may enjoy the offerings of this era. Gordon helped with the shopping after it got dark. More accurately, he did the shopping while I kept an eye on you and made certain those humans didn’t return and bother you. I made him a list. Well, not precisely. He made the list for me, as I do not write any languages he can read.”

  “Yet you speak English.”

  “I can speak any language I hear thanks to my magic. Your English is not my native tongue. It didn’t even exist when I first lived.”

  Right. Eoghan more than classified as an ancient artifact. How ancient? I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. “How convenient.”

  “At times, learning a new written language will be vexing for both of us, I’m sure. I suspect you don’t use the same runes I know. Language tends to evolve over time. The last time I awoke for any lengthy duration, few wrote anything at all.”

  “Almost everybody can read and write now.”

  “How bothersome. Another thing I must learn to do, I see.”

  I translated that to mean I would be teaching him the basics of life in America. “Maybe you’ll be a quick study.”

  Old dogs could learn new tricks, right? I could only hope.

  I’d be doing a lot of hoping and wishing in the upcoming days.

  “You sound quite skeptical.”

  “Well, you’ve got to be pushing at least three thousand years old. Or older. I should sell you to a museum. I’d get a fortune for you.” I got out of bed, wincing at the throb in my arm. “I won’t sell you to a museum if you use some of that annoying magic of yours to provide painkillers.”

  “I don’t need magic for that. After you left the hospital, the nurses contacted the CDC to notify them you had wandered off, and one of the representatives got the appropriate remedies to make certain you don’t have to return to that place you so dislike.”

  “I don’t dislike hospitals. I just don’t like paying the bill for medical care. A bill I couldn’t afford yesterday,” I muttered.

  “It is a bill you are not paying because I am paying it. You need to take these remedies with your dinner, and I have been told they will help your arm heal and make it hurt less.”

  Painkillers made my world go round, and the thought of having a dose motivated me enough I got out of bed. If he wanted me to change, he’d have to wait until after I took a long soak in my tub. “What’s for dinner?”

  “Chicken stew. The doctors thought it would be good for you, and I have made many a stew in my lifetime. Gordon showed me the quicker alternatives, and I find them less than appealing, so I will only use them when I do not have the time to properly prepare food for you. Tonight’s offering is not as good as what you will enjoy in the future.”

  Okay. Eoghan redefined what it meant to be handsome when wearing a suit, he had money, and he could cook. The instant word got out he was in town, every single woman would be knocking down my door to get to him. I’d have to get out the baseball bat to hold them at bay. “What’s wrong with you?”

  He smirked. “Nothing, I assure you. I’m perfect with a few minor exceptions, including my ignorance on how to write modern languages. I will resolve these shortcomings soon enough. You’ll find I am a dedicated scholar when i
t comes to rectifying ignorance.”

  “Well, you have a lot to learn, but if you’re good at cooking, you might be worth keeping around.” I yawned and headed downstairs to discover the vampire tending to a pot on the stove. “Do vampires need to eat?”

  “We don’t need to, but we can, although in very limited quantities. A bite or two here and there is something we can digest, but blood provides everything we require.” Gordon took a bowl from my cupboard, filled it with stew, and set it on the table along with a spoon. “Eat, then you can explain these wretched bottles we haven’t been able to open.”

  I laughed. Child-safety caps could defeat even modern adults, but I enjoyed the mental image of the two men fighting to open the caps. “Show me the bottles, and I’ll teach you how to open them. I’ll take the pills while eating, and I’ll translate how prescriptions work for you. It’s a little complicated.”

  Gordon went into the living room and returned a moment later with a white paper bag. “There are many pages of instruction inside.”

  “Warnings, mostly, to prevent them from being sued if a side-effect turns nasty. There’ll also be directions on how to take the medications.” I dumped the bag out on the table, checked the pages, and set them across the table from me. “As there’s no better time than now to start your English lessons, we’re going to use that as our starting exercise.”

  “You are a force of pure evil,” Gordon observed. “Could you have picked drier reading material?”

  “Maybe if I tried. It would be a challenge.” I checked the bottles, pressed down on the cap, and gave it a twist to access the pills, and I fished out the appropriate number of each. “These are child-safety caps. If you press down and twist, they’ll open. They’re a pain in the ass, and they’re kind of pointless, as children are typically better at opening these damned things than adults are. They do keep little babies from getting into the bottles, however.”

  “That’s important.” Gordon picked up one of the sheets. “Amoxicillin?”